Ode to Tuck...

 © April 26, 2023, the Griot Poet

Tucker Swanson McNear Carlson:

He and his brother,

Were abandoned by their MOTHER,

What mother leaves her babies?

Sis saw the Damien Thorn Bob-see twins,

And she probably had “Omen II” flashbacks!

She probably went into the witness protection program,

She might be wearing a wig and mustache.

Wouldn’t you jet if you caught Tucker the first time,

He belted that fucked up laugh?

A cackle so evil it would creep out Heath Ledger and Joaquin Phoenix.

 

His father married the next unsuspecting Mrs,

The heir to the Swanson TV dinner fortune,

(A correction from the last poem),

 

Tucker was so weird,

The Central Intelligence Agency passed on his application!

(He must have mentioned his fetish for M&M candy.)

He was on CNN’s “Crossfire” with Paul Begala,

The precursor to our current left and right media landscape,

 

Jon Stewart, host of “The Daily Show,”

Pointed out that they were both injurious to our federal republic,

CNN’s management canceled it,

Paul survived; Tucker didn’t.

 

Tucker had a brief history on MSNBC,

A show called “The Situation.”

While CNN’s Wolf Blitzer added “Room” to it,

Wolf’s still there; Tucker isn’t.

 

And finally, Fox.

A pink slip trifecta!

He’s managed to get fired by every cable news outlet.

Tucker followed the illustrious 8:00 pm host lineup:

 

Glenn Beck,

Megan Kelly,

Bill O’Reilly,

 

So, I’m not holding my breath that Fox Propaganda will get “woke” and course correct.

 

Tucker was a Nielsen rating bonanza,

The problem is,

Unlike Beck, Kelly, and O’Reilly,

Tucker didn’t have ANY advertisers!

It’s BAD when your remaining advertiser,

The “My Pillow” guy, Mike Lindell, starts giving you the “side-eye!”

Beck, Kelly, and O’Reilly,

“War on white people,” “Jesus and Santa are White,” and “War on Christmas.”

Were the “gateway drugs” to authoritarianism,

 

Tucker is pure evil and fascist.

Sixty minutes of this vile filth,

Pumped nightly through three million frontal cortexes,

You only need three-hundredths of a percent to launch something like January 6th.

 

Notice:

It wasn’t the obvious racism, sexism, homophobia, and fascism that was the “straw that broke the camel’s back,”

It was that Tucker cost Rupert considerable cash,

It was the fact that the Dominion payout was 56 times the cash he shelled out for Bill “Loofah” O’Reilly,”

And Smartmatic’s next!

 

Regrettably:

So long as blogs and podcasts exist,

He’s still a danger to the republic.

His public comments 56 hours after his layoff were to blame “mysterious forces” coming after him,

In order words: casting himself as the victim.

He was careful not to blame Fox directly, or Rupert will keep his 40-million-dollar severance.

 

“Do not cry for me, Argentina.”

And not for Tucker Swanson McNear Carlson:

 

Charge him with “sedition by stochastic terrorism” and get on with his sentencing!

 

Until then 

“American Psycho” can file unemployment claims like the little people.

The “Great Replacement” guru has been replaced!

“And karma keeps receipts!”